


Don't Mean to Taunt You

by MogarAndAlbus



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Girlfriends/No Wives, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-30 03:39:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MogarAndAlbus/pseuds/MogarAndAlbus
Summary: Michael and Ryan suddenly start bickering more at work and the rest of AH think something must be wrong. In reality, the two just started secretly dating.





	Don't Mean to Taunt You

Michael and Ryan had always [bantered](https://youtu.be/AJqCzAZtoWc?t=28m46s) and had [disagreements](https://youtu.be/Dxnj5gXFJY8?t=42m43s). That was normal, especially in videos for AH where anything and everything was fair game. Ryan was also one of the few who never backed down from Michael’s yelling and would yell right back at him.

But then, seemingly for no reason, one day, Michael and Ryan started fighting more.

And the first to pick up on the change was probably Geoff.

Geoff, Jeremy, Ryan, and Michael were playing a new indie game, trying out the goofy, four-player free-for-all mode. And half the video was Ryan being just slightly better at the game mode than Michael, and waving that fact in his face every round he got a better score than him. All the while, Michael just kept yelling at Ryan to shut up and dramatically lording it over him the two times his score was better than Ryan’s – never mind that Jeremy was taking first place every round over all of them.

The game itself wasn’t that great. It was glitchy and a little bullshit with the scoring. But the ridiculous competitiveness between Ryan and Michael, combined with the dynamic of all four of them, made it a video fans would probably enjoy as a funny one-off.

What struck Geoff though was that after they’d killed capture on the video and saved the files, Michael and Ryan didn’t turn off their bantering video personas.

“Hey. Fuckface,” Michael said.

Geoff looked up from his computer, never ruling out that “Fuckface” could be him.

But Michael was across the way, standing up at his desk station and looking for Ryan’s attention.

Ryan looked up at Michael. “What’s up?”

Geoff went back to attempting to sort through his poor email inbox.

“You never replied to my Slack message,” Michael said.

“Oh?” Ryan said.

“Can you fill in for me as host for Off Topic this Friday? I’ve gotta film that Immersion thing.”

“Oh, that. Yeah, of course. You know I’ll be here. I assumed it was a given.”

“I mean, it’s not. Sometimes you’re here in the office and don’t make an appearance on the podcast. I just wanted to make sure you were doing it.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll do it.”

“ _Thank you_ ,” Michael said, voice overly exasperated. “All I wanted. Not sure why you couldn’t have just typed ‘yes’ into a chat box, but that’s fine.”

There was a beat of silence and Geoff, who was getting nowhere with trying to focus on his emails, could practically hear the gears in Ryan’s head turning for a comeback to get the last word in.

Sure enough, two seconds later, Ryan said, “Well, it’s not like you do _that_ much as a host, so I’m not sure why we even need an official fill-in. Just have people show up and whoever’s there just does the intro and ad read. Who cares?”

“I mean, because the podcast is my responsibility. I make sure there are enough people who will show up every week, and ask for the special guests, and make sure someone’s there that can do the ad reads without fucking them up. ‘Don’t do _that_ much as a host,’” Michael repeated with a scoff. “Do you think the podcast just _schedules itself_ when we have to pre-record?”

“ _Eh_ ,” Ryan said, stretching out the noise obnoxiously.

Geoff glanced over at the two of them. Michael was standing at his desk, arms crossed over his chest, seeming annoyed. Meanwhile, Ryan was leaning back in his DXRacer chair, hands behind his head.

“ _Eh_ nothing,” Michael snapped. “I don’t see your fucking name on the podcast, much less anyone else’s in this room. Off Topic may be a shitshow, but it’s _my_ shitshow. So excuse me for trying to take 30 seconds out of my day to make sure someone will be there to do the ad reads.”

“Uh, isn’t _Geoff_ the executive producer?”

Geoff determinedly stared at his screen. _Do not drag me into this, you weird fuckers_.

“Geoff’s there because of seniority,” Michael explained, saving Geoff from having to take one of their stupid sides. “Matt and Burnie are credited too, but do you think either of them has fuck-all to do with it? No. _I_ host the show, _I_ run the show. So if I ask you if you can be the host for one episode and sit on the padded stool and do the ad reads and make sure Jack doesn’t burn the fucking set down, you can take 10 goddamn seconds to answer yes or no.”

“ _You_ this, _you_ that. Why don’t we just call it the _Michael Podcast_? You can sit on your little padded stool by yourself and talk into the camera for two hours.”

“I’ve got news for you, Rye, we used to make that show. It was called Full Play and [nobody watched it](https://youtu.be/0Bugcy2CGhE?t=5m7s).”

Ryan quietly snickered, and when Geoff glanced over curiously again, Michael was relaxed and smiling.

“Do you want something to drink?” Michael asked, over at the mini fridges now.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Just,” Ryan sighed, “water, I guess.”

Smile audible, Michael said, “Not diet coke?”

“No,” Ryan grumbled. “Just water.”

Michael was snickering as he handed Ryan a bottle of water.

“Thanks.”

“You want anything, Geoff?” Michael asked now.

Geoff shook his head, eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully at his screen. “No, I’m good.”

Geoff brushed it off. They were six dudes crammed into a room with less-than-reliable air conditioning – arguments happened. They were also assholes who did shit like tape each other to walls.

Except that in the days following, Geoff started noticing they were having little back and forth squabbles like that at least once or twice a day, on and off camera.

And so, subsequently, Jack noticed shortly after Geoff did.

Jack was playing Orma for [Heroes](https://youtu.be/WvpVCDEo0f4?t=37m33s) & [Halfwits](https://youtu.be/keq8-fy1oTA?t=1h20m39s) that day, having joined where they'd left off last session, right after Griffon's Orma had had some booze someone gave her and passed out. The session was going pretty well and nothing between Ryan and Michael was glaringly obvious to Jack at first. They snipped at some of each other’s decisions, but so did Gus and Ryan. And Geoff caught shit from everyone any time he attempted (and succeeded in) charming someone new their party met.

The only thing that Jack – and everyone else – paid attention to were the [handful](https://youtu.be/Fs86MxrJzzE?t=37m32s) of [notes](https://youtu.be/h1UoFiPLcqY?t=11m53s) that Ryan and Michael slid across the table to each other with poker faces. Jack already knew that with this group particularly that that could spell future trouble, depending on what they were planning. None of the notes went to their DM, Frank, though and everything carried on relatively smoothly.

Then the party got into a battle.

The battle itself was going fine. The only thing was that Mogar seemed to be off his game, Michael so far rolling only low numbers or barely making it and dealing one point of damage. Something that Ryan was periodically reminding Michael of with snarky comments.

Like after one of Ryan's better turns, killing the enemy that had been giving Michael the most trouble, Ryan immediately turned to Michael with a smirk. “Beat that,” he murmured, barely loud enough to be heard across the table.

Michael met his smirk with a squinty competitive look of his own. “I will.”

Jack glanced between Geoff and Gus, all three exchanging a look of weary amusement.

“All right,” Frank said. “And now it’s Mogar's turn.”

Michael stood up so he could lean over and get a better look at the table. He blew out a breath of air while he was thinking. “Yeah, so I'm just going to move here,” he said, moving his Mogar figure two squares on the board. “And I'll just try to hit this guy with my longsword.”

“Okay.”

Michael picked up his D20, made a face, and started shaking the die in his hand.

“Try not to trip and impale yourself on an enemy blade into Father Dory’s arms again,” Ryan said with a chuckle. “I _just_ killed that other guy for you.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Okay? Thanks? Remind me again how many other guys you've managed to kill today – with Eldritch Blast, no less,” he scoffed. “Ooh, so exciting.”

Looking to the camera, Jack wrinkled his eyebrows and pursed his lips in a _they’re really still doing this, huh_ way. It was like Michael and Ryan were playing a completely separate game by themselves.

But the little dig from Michael didn't phase Ryan at all as he just nodded toward Michael. “Are you ever gonna drop the dice or are you just gonna keep jerking off the air a little more?”

“Well, if you’re gonna distract me with stupid shit.” Michael dropped the die and leaned forward to look at it. “Damn it. Eight,” he announced, discouraged.

Frank winced, looking at his papers. “Ooh. Eight total, or?”

“Total.”

“Aw, okay,” Frank said. “Yeah, you miss.”

“Damn it,” Michael muttered.

“Don't worry,” Ryan chimed cheerily. “I’ll get him for you next turn.”

“Fuck you,” Michael said plainly. “How about that?”

Ryan chuckled along with the rest of them, even as Geoff and Jack shared another look.

“Hey, uh, same team, guys,” Jack reminded, only half joking. “We're fighting the same enemies, remember?”

“Yeah, _Albus_ ,” Michael said pointedly to Ryan.

“Hey, you don't have to tell me. I'm the one picking up your slack,” Ryan said.

“Okay,” Frank chuckled, trying to keep them moving. “And now it's Bor Ealis's turn.”

The rest of the session, Michael and Ryan continued off and on in much the same fashion. Jack was both amused and puzzled by it.

They were just so relentless with each other in a way that they never used to be. As a whole, AH mercilessly teased each other when someone deserved it because it was funny. But Michael and Ryan were picking at each other over everything, even when nothing was being recorded.

Gavin had started noticing the weirdness between Michael and Ryan around the same time as Geoff and Jack. But with how often other RT projects and Slow Mo Guys shoots took him out of the AH office, Gavin didn’t have a chance to make the conscious connection that something was actually different until he was on Off Topic with both of them a couple weeks later.

During the episode, Ryan got up two separate times to get more diet coke. Both times, Michael scolded him for either walking in front of a camera or not coming back before he’d finished his ad read. Ryan’s retaliation had been to bat his [empty](https://youtu.be/6pkZDdJoqE0?t=9m24s) [coke](https://youtu.be/63mxkD5QIyU?t=1h4m) [cans](https://youtu.be/7cek7wcYS-k?t=1h59m36s) onto the floor when Michael was in the middle of speaking.

All the while, Gavin was keeping a quiet, curious eye on them and their interactions. They seemed normal otherwise. They even launched into an [unbearably nerdy conversation](https://youtu.be/LR3sRiwM-sk?t=1h10m56s) about Digimon at one point that had Gavin and Geoff sighing at each other throughout.

Then Michael finally remembered he had to plug the new episode of Theater Mode. “Yeah, so this week’s was Jeremy, Ryan, and Geoff, I believe. Uh, I wasn’t in it, so I can’t speak for how bad or good it was,” Michael said with a shrug.

“What was this one called?” Ryan asked.

“Uh…”

“ _[Frostbiter](https://youtu.be/t9FU5Gg_-YU?t=1h55m11s)_ ,” someone from broadcast supplied from the shadows.

Ryan nodded in recognition. “ _Oh_ , right, that one. The one with the wendigo.”

“So I believe we should have a clip now to show for this,” Michael said. He looked out towards broadcast. “Do we?”

“Which one is it?” Geoff asked Ryan.

Getting confirmation from broadcast, Michael lightly smacked the table with his hand. “We do have a clip. Okay, so, we’ll just roll –”

“The one with the guardian girl,” Ryan answered Geoff. “You know the – _chili_ , _just chili_.”

“Hey,” Michael tried to interject.

Finally remembering, Geoff nodded. “Right, right, that one.”

“That timeless classic,” Ryan said.

“Hey, Ryan,” Michael finally cut in. “Can you be Ryan the shut-the-fuck-up guy for a second? Thanks.”

“Ooh,” Gavin couldn’t help but chuckle quietly. He looked to Ryan.

Ryan frowned at Michael, eyes narrowing. “I’ll shut _you_ up,” he muttered in retort.

“That’s fine,” Michael said dismissively.

Before Michael could start speaking again, Ryan batted his empty diet coke can across the table, just grazing Michael’s elbow. The can clanked off the table to the floor noisily.

“That’s fine,” Michael said again. “So we have a clip – you better fucking pick that up before this episode is over – we have a clip for this week’s Theater Mode. If we can finally show that before Ryan rudely interrupts again.”

Broadcast was at last able to roll the Theater Mode clip.

Michael took a sip of his beer and watched along with the clip. He didn’t even react when Ryan quietly got up to pick up the can off the floor and throw it away.

Before Ryan could return to his seat, Gavin turned to Geoff and gave him a furrowed-brow questioning look.

Geoff frowned, mouthing, “What?” at him.

Gavin meaningfully glanced between Michael and Ryan, then back to Geoff.

Getting a knowing look on his face, Geoff shrugged and shook his head helplessly.

Ryan sat back down and they all continued just watching the long, ridiculous clip in silence.

“So stupid,” Geoff chuckled quietly halfway through.

Michael shook his head, smiling amusedly. “It’s _something_. All of your guys’ dumb chili jokes finally make sense.”

“Hands down the best part of this movie,” Ryan said.

“Christ, it’s still fucking going.”

“Oh, yeah. It _goes_.”

Michael snickered and looked across the table at Ryan. Ryan grinned back at him before they both turned back to the monitor.

Gavin looked thoughtfully between the two of them. Because even though they seemed to have mostly moments of normalcy like that throughout the day, they still just jumped all over each other for the slightest thing to argue about. He had to get to the bottom of this.

So as soon as the clip was over and they could talk again, Gavin looked to Michael and commented, “You guys are so mingey with each other lately.”

Michael raised his eyebrows in question. “Who is?”

“You two, you and Ryan.”

“Me and Ryan?” Michael repeated, sounding genuinely surprised. “Are we?” He turned his puzzled look to Ryan.

Ryan met his look with a pursed lip shrug. “News to me.”

Slightly outraged, Gavin appealed to Geoff, “They have though, haven’t they?”

“Yeah, no, they definitely have,” Geoff said, nodding. “Lot of minge happening in the office.”

“Ryan, did you piss Michael off or something?” Gavin asked. “Or vice versa?”

“ _No_?” Ryan said at the same time Michael said, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Literally nothing has changed and we’re not mad at each other,” Michael continued. “Great impersonation of some of our YouTube commenters though. I said ‘fuck you’ to Ryan in a video with slightly more vinegar, so clearly we secretly hate each other now.”

“But it’s _not_ just in videos!” Gavin was quick to say.

“It’s not just in videos,” Geoff agreed.

Michael threw his hands up in an exaggerated shrug. Broadcast cut to a close up on him and he shrugged theatrically a second time and chuckled, but anyone who’d worked with him could hear the tinge of annoyance underneath. “I don’t know what to tell you. Do we really seem _mad_ at each other?”

“Well,” Gavin hedged thoughtfully.

“Not _mad_ ,” Geoff clarified. “But, no, it’s – you guys have been quicker to jump all over each other for the slightest thing.”

Ryan and Michael shared another look across the table. Michael almost looked like he was fighting a smile for a second before he took a drink from his beer.

Geoff continued, “It’s like you guys don’t turn off ‘recording mode’ with each other – except that you’re making fun of each other and making jokes that no one but us in the office hear. I know this is a bit of a peek behind the curtain for the fans here, but uh…we are ourselves in videos, but as I believe Gavin has said before, we’re often more like heightened _versions_ of ourselves in videos. So when we’re recording, you know, everything’s fair game to make fun of. But once we’re done recording, I don’t follow Jack around calling him fat or anything like that.” Geoff smiled impishly at the camera. “Most days anyway.”

“I mean, I don’t think we’re purposefully trying to be any specific way with each other. I have no problem with Ryan, and I doubt he has one with me.”

“Nope,” Ryan said.

“There you go.”

“Besides, you guys are going on and on about me and Michael being mingey. And meanwhile,” Ryan gestured to Gavin broadly, “ _Gavin_ over here had to promise to do his part in the AH rap just so Jeremy would be forced to not actively hate him for a year.”

“Oh, come on. That’s different,” Gavin said.

Michael snorted out a laugh. “Is it?”

“ _Yes_.”

The conversation’s focus shifted entirely over to Gavin from there, and they never got back to talking about Ryan and Michael.

The other guys still maintained that something weird was going on between them though.

Jeremy, on the other hand, hadn’t noticed shit until it was pointed out to him. _Had_ they been fighting more than usual? He guessed maybe. Apparently he was the last to see it because even Matt and Trevor commented to him that they’d noticed the difference in videos they were editing. Which, sure, Jeremy had noticed they’d upped the banter a bit in videos. But Michael also still regularly told the rest of them to [give](https://youtu.be/Dxnj5gXFJY8?t=48m15s) [Ryan](https://youtu.be/EPAzyiw2WGI?t=8m4s) a [break](https://youtu.be/62Un6IJP4hI?t=34m30s) when he flubbed his words when Gavin wasn’t around.

To Jeremy’s credit, most of these out-of-video fights that were happening were when Jeremy was working at his desk. And if his headphones were on, the rest of the room may as well have been nonexistent to him, much less Michael and Ryan making petty comments throughout the day to each other.

But, of course, once Jeremy started looking for it when Ryan and Michael interacted, it was suddenly all he could notice. And just like everyone else, he was baffled by it. In and out of videos they’d argue. Yet they were still plenty friendly with each other. They weren’t shooting dirty glares at each other. The other day they brainstormed ideas together for a new GTA let’s play Ryan wanted to do. Nothing seemed to actually be _wrong_. But clearly something was _different_.

And Jeremy was the first stumble on to what the actual difference was.

It was a rare day in Achievement Hunter because all six in the main room were in town _and_ available to record the whole day – something they all knew better than to not capitalize on. So the plan was to try to spend the whole day recording videos they needed everyone for.

Jeremy was the first to get to the office as usual. He got to work right away because he had a video he wanted to finish editing before everyone else got there.

About a half hour into editing, he was nearly done and decided he just wanted one little treat as a reward for getting as much done as he had. And God knew they had plenty of treats lying around now since a couple of fans had just sent them five giant bags of different candies.

But though the giant package of peanut butter M&Ms said “easy open,” Jeremy struggled with it at first, and when it opened, it tore halfway down the bag, spilling M&Ms all over the floor and under the desks.

Jeremy took a second to just stare at the damage before he sighed in dismay. This was what he got for trying to have a few pieces of chocolate.

He carefully set what was left of the ripped bag down on his desk, scrounged up a trash bag (because God knew what kind of horrific things were ground into the AH office carpet – no food that touched it should be eaten by a human being), and got down on the floor to start picking up the pieces by hand. He even had to crawl all the way under Geoff and Ryan’s desks because of how far the pieces had rolled.

Jeremy had just crawled under Ryan’s desk when he could hear the office door open and people walk in. He instantly recognized them as Ryan and Michael’s voices, and they were already bickering. Of course.

“…and you’re wrong.”

“No, bullshit. That’s a hundred percent accurate,” Michael insisted.

Ryan scoffed, sounding amused. “No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes. How had they already found something to disagree over? He shook his head and decided to quietly keep cleaning up the candy. He was half hoping maybe he’d be able to surprise Ryan when he came to sit down at his desk in a second. Even though it never worked, Jeremy still couldn’t resist attempting to get any kind of startled reaction out of him.

“Stop saying something that’s been proven false is a hundred percent accurate,” Ryan said, walking over to the mini fridges.

“It’s not my fault you’re an idiot.”

“ _You’re_ the idiot.”

“We-ell,” Michael said, stretching out the word. He went to stand in front of his desk, sounding like he was shuffling something. He sighed. “Aw, goddamn it.”

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked.

“I left my fucking eye drops in your car.”

Jeremy paused in collecting the candy, tilting his head to the side and frowning at the view of Ryan and Michael’s legs he could see through the wires under the desks. Since when did Ryan and Michael ride to work together? He could’ve sworn they lived on different ends of the city.

“Oh. Do you want me to go get them for you?” Ryan offered.

“No, it’s okay,” Michael said, mouth suddenly full of food. “I don’t need them right now. Hey, do you wanna claim one of these babies now?”

“Oh, nah.”

“You sure? It’s going to be a long recording day, so these donuts may very well be gone by noon today. You should just take a chocolate one to your desk for later.”

“Eh, that’s okay,” Ryan hedged. “I probably won’t have any.”

“Oh. You really don’t want any? I got them [for you](https://youtu.be/-UHTH417YwE?t=1h45m30s). Well, I mean, they’re for everyone to eat, but I got them so you could have some.”

“ _Yeah_ , I know, I’ve figured. And I see through you, you asshole.”

“What?” Michael sounded confused.

“All the candies and donuts and crap.” Stepping closer to Michael, Ryan said, “You’re just trying to tempt me and make me fat again.”

“All right, Ryan,” Michael scoffed. “Like you were ever even fat.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m being serious. You’ve lost some weight and toned up recently, but you were never _fat_.”

“Really? Could’ve sworn you’ve referred to two years ago as my ‘chub days’ before.”

“Well…that’s still not saying you were fat. That was also _before_ , you know.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And anyway, one fucking donut isn’t going to hurt you.” Michael got closer to Ryan. “Just have one. If you want one, have one.”

Ryan shuffled back a couple inches, but didn’t get very far from Michael. “Nuh-uh, get that shit out of my face.”

Jeremy was starting to regret staying hidden under the desk. He really thought he would’ve been discovered by now. But now it had been an awkward amount of time that he’d just been out of sight, saying nothing, listening in on his friends’ conversation. Even if he was just trying to clean up.

“Just eat the donut!” Michael said in a playfully aggressive voice.

“No! Fuck you and your chocolate glazed,” Ryan protested, despite the obvious smile in his voice.

“Come on, Rye,” Michael singsonged now. He seemed like he was standing awfully close to Ryan now from Jeremy’s perspective. “You won’t have one measly donut? I lovingly got it just for you, and you won’t even eat it?”

“No, stop it! You’re not allowed to be a giant pain in the ass and cute at the same time!”

Jeremy frowned. _Cute_?

“Ry- _yan_ , come on.”

“There,” Ryan said, mouth sounding full now. “Happy?”

“Mm-hmm!”

“Good. Now fuck off.” Ryan gave Michael a quick swat on the ass before walking away.

Jeremy’s eyes widened, and as the dots in his head suddenly all connected, he all at once felt like an idiot and a complete creeper.

He didn’t have much time to feel guilty though before he heard Ryan’s voice calmly say, “Hey,” behind him.

Jeremy quickly craned his head around and up to see Ryan standing over him, half-eaten donut in one hand, expression mildly amused.

“Hey,” Jeremy replied, voice cracking.

“Whatcha doin’?” Ryan asked.

“Sorry,” he blurted. “Um, I just spilled a shit ton of candy everywhere because I’m a fucking idiot. And Gavin broke the hand vac last week, so I was just trying to pick it up real quick.”

Michael also appeared, walking into view to stand beside Ryan. His eyebrows were scrunched up and eyes were narrowed, but his mouth was quirked like he was debating laughing.

Jeremy instantly looked to Michael and explained again, “I was just picking up candy I spilled everywhere. And, uh, I didn’t get very much sleep last night, so I was kind of just too lazy to say hi at first, and then it felt too late to say hi…” He looked between the two of them standing over him, feeling more than a little intimidated by them. “Hi,” he said with a weak smile.

“Hi,” Michael returned.

Pursing his lips amusedly, Ryan nodded. “So do you need some help with that, or?”

“Uh, no,” Jeremy said, looking at the few M&Ms that were left scattered near him. “I’ve pretty much gotten all of them already.”

“Oh-kay,” Ryan said, grinning. “I’m just gonna go get a drink then.”

Ryan popped the rest of the donut into his mouth and walked away. Michael just shook his head at Jeremy, making his faux-disappointed face. “Jeremy always making messes,” he said as he turned around to walk away as well.

As soon as they were both out of sight again, Jeremy’s shoulders sagged.

If either of them had been upset about him overhearing their conversation, neither showed it. Regardless, his face burned in guilt and awkward embarrassment.

Jeremy quickly picked up the remaining candy, chucked it in the trash, and tried to take his mind off of his fuckup by throwing himself back into editing.

Michael and Ryan carried on with idle chitchat, and one by one, Jack, Geoff, and Gavin filtered into the room as well. Eventually, once they’d all successfully loaded into GTA V, they started their recordings and began their first let’s play of the day.

For this video, they were trying to successfully do another stunt, so to no one’s surprise they all ended up at the airport. They fucked around with it for a bit with some genuine attempts mixed in and finally were able to get it mostly down. But at Geoff and Gavin’s insistence, they wanted to do it again in the daytime so everyone could actually see what was happening.

Which meant another good ten minutes or so of waiting with the vehicles and jets they needed until the game cycled back to day. This gave them about a 50/50 chance of everyone surviving until morning with no needed vehicles blowing up or cops getting in the way, because everyone in AH had such itchy fingers. Geoff and Ryan were the only two that really needed to stay alive on their marks though.

Jeremy and Gavin were having a playful shoot-off, the room at large discussing condom sizes, when Michael was yanked out of his car by an NPC.

**MJones was mugged for $1,594. Kill the Mugger to claim the cash.**

The conversation stuttered to a stop as everyone paused to read the notification that had popped up in game.

“What the _fuck?_ Really?!” Michael exclaimed, voice rising with each word.

“It wasn’t me!” Gavin rushed to say, in real life holding up his hands and looking at Michael.

Scoffing in surprise, Jack said, “Really? Who the fuck would mug _Michael_?”

Michael pulled out his gun and took down the mugger in one hit before it could get away with his car.

**The Mugger sent by BM Vagabond to steal from MJones has been killed.**

Jack couldn’t help the chuckle and wary, “Ooh,” that escaped him. “That’s who.”

Geoff sighed, “Uh oh.”

“Ryan, WHAT THE FUCK!” Michael yelled.

“ _What_?” Ryan retorted, tone already defensive.

“What ‘ _what’_? You broke [the rule](https://youtu.be/fOXi_P8WQhw)!”

Ryan scoffed. “ _What_ rule?”

“The ‘don't fuck anyone but Gavin’ rule!”

“Yeah, well, fuck the rule! I felt like fucking you instead!”

“That's like the number one rule!” Michael smacked his hand on his desk for emphasis. “No one mugs each other, only Gavin, that's how it works!”

“Hey,” Gavin protested.

“It's true,” Jeremy said, meanwhile finally sniping Gavin from across the airport and killing him.

“Of course it’s true!” Michael instantly exclaimed. “Everyone knows this –”

“Michael,” Ryan tried to say.

“– and we’ve all known it since day one.”

“ _Michael_.”

“What?”

“Maybe that’ll teach you not to get snippy with someone who’s willing to break any _fucking_ rule I want.”

Geoff instantly started laughing, infectious enough for Jack to start laughing also.

Michael just threw up his hands. “Of _course_! Ryan’s always gotta be _that_ guy. Always has to be _that_ asshole.”

Cutting into Michael’s rant as he spoke, Ryan said, “Yeah, and Michael always has to be that _other_ guy. That other guy that’s always whining when they don’t get their exact way.”

“ – always that asshole that breaks the rules!” Ryan’s words caught up to Michael. “This is not me whining because I didn’t get my way.”

“Oh, sure.”

Gavin sighed loudly, fed up with the constant unexplained fighting, and with the fact that the car he’d just gotten into had been another Simeon vehicle.

“This is me yelling at you because we have a _system_ and _you_ fucked it up!” Michael continued.

Ryan wasn’t moved. “Yeah, and it was fucking funny –”

“Sto-op,” Gavin said despairingly.

“Welcome to how we make content, Michael.”

“ _Stop_ , stop, just shut up!” Gavin burst out. “This is what we’ve been talking about! What the bloody hell’s wrong with you guys? _Why_ are you always at each other’s throats?”

“Didn’t you hear Ryan?” Michael said dryly. “We’re making content.”

“No, you’re not! Every time anyone hears either of you two talking, you’re arguing about something!”

“ _Arguing_ though?” Ryan squinted doubtfully. “Kind of a strong word when it’s always about stupid shit.”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Geoff said slowly. “But something’s definitely been weird with you guys. We’ve all noticed, like, a change.”

“Yeah,” Jack agreed.

Jeremy was silent, lips pursed and just idly driving one of the stunt cars around now.

“So seriously, what’s going on?” Gavin demanded. “It has to be something. Who pissed who off?”

“For fuck’s sake, we’re not pissed at each other!” Michael said in exasperation.

Ryan sighed and stood up, hands braced against his desk, peering over the monitors to catch Michael’s eyes. “Michael.”

“What?”

“I mean.” His voice was hushed, attention solely on Michael. “Should we…? Should we just tell them?”

Michael pulled a reluctant face. “ _Now_?”

“Tell us what?” Jack was quick to ask.

“Only if you want to, but…” Ryan shrugged, leaving it up to Michael.

After a moment’s consideration, Michael rolled his eyes and nodded at Ryan. “Fine, what the hell.” As Ryan sat back down and everyone’s eyes went to either Ryan or Michael, Michael kept his own focus on the game. Matter-of-factly, he said, “Yeah, okay, so…Ryan and I are dating now.”

Gavin turned to fully look at Michael, the two friends sharing a look. “Like, totally seriously, right?” Gavin asked. “You’re not having a laugh?”

Widening his eyes, slightly sarcastically, Michael nodded. “Totally seriously.”

“For how long?” Geoff asked suspiciously.

Looking at Geoff sheepishly, Ryan said, “About two months.”

“Two _months_ , really?” Jeremy said, surprised. “All this time?”

“Yeah,” Ryan and Michael said together.

“We decided not to tell anyone just for a little while so we could, you know, see where things went, make sure it worked without any pressure,” Ryan explained.

“And how have things…gone?” Gavin asked a bit awkwardly.

“Well, we’re still together after two months, so,” Michael said.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jack interjected, frowning thoughtfully. “I’m confused. How does this tie in with you guys fighting more?”

There was a beat of silence.

“Oh, yeah,” Gavin said. “Shouldn’t it be the opposite?”

Ryan made a face and held out his hands in a helpless shrug. “Uh, it ties in because it just kinda…does.”

“Well, no, here’s the thing,” Michael cut in. “Number one, we’re professionals that can separate work and personal life.”

Ryan nodded supportively, saying, “True, very true.”

“And number two, what, do you think that just because we’re dating now I’m gonna be blowing smoke up his ass and letting him win shit and calling him pet names every other sentence? Fuck no. He’s a giant nerd and he sucks.”

“Gee, thanks, dear.”

Michael waved him off. “Listen, you’re great, you’re awesome, but especially here if we’re working, Ryan still sucks. If anything, I have it on better authority that he sucks because I’m with him after work too.”

Ryan chuckled awkwardly. “I mean –“

A round of poorly contained snickers went around the room.

Realizing too late, Michael backtracked, “I mean. To be fair though – to be fair though, I didn’t actually mean that to have like a double meaning –”

The snickers turned into hearty chuckles.

Even Ryan allowed a small grin. “Not saying it’s not true, but…”

Staring resolutely at his screen, face a little pink, Michael soldiered on, “I just meant he can be annoying, here at work especially, and then also sometimes, you know, in private.”

“Right,” Ryan agreed. “So we’re not ‘fighting’ because we’re pissed off at each other – we’re not even really fighting, most of the time. It’s just, you know, banter. Sometimes flirting.”

“Makes sense,” Jeremy said.

“You guys are weird,” Gavin said.

Geoff turned to Ryan with a humorous gleam in his eye, saying, “Okay, but, Ryan. Just so we know, he is nice to you sometimes, right?”

Jack laughed as well. “Yeah, you guys _are_ nice to each other too, aren’t you?”

Smiling insistently, Ryan said, “[Of course we’re nice](https://youtu.be/-UHTH417YwE?t=30m22s)!”

“Nice enough,” Michael chimed in, earning a couple chuckles.

Ryan leaned in closer to his microphone, speaking out of the side of his mouth into everyone’s headsets, “No, actually, uh. Michael is very sweet in private. He’s very nice to me generally as well.”

“ _Ryan_ , no,” Michael hissed back with fake urgency.

“A lot of the banter comes naturally because we’re both the way we are, but some of it is just the, you know, public work personas.”

“Ryan, no, shut up!”

“ _What_?”

“You’re not supposed to tell anyone I’m _sweet_. I’m – I’m an asshole. 24/7.” The clear smile in Michael’s voice betrayed him.

Ryan leaned deliberately back into the microphone. “He’s very nice and [considerate](https://youtu.be/OYZtSlfBenc?t=21m24s).”

“No, lies!”

“It’s true. He’s very sweet.”

Fighting to control his wide smile, Michael paused to consider for a moment. He played up a reluctant sigh. “Ryan’s [nice](https://youtu.be/3sKFaen3Xgw?t=47m41s) outside of work _too_. Though that’s probably less of a surprise.”

“Not necessarily,” Geoff said snarkily.

“So you guys are [happy](https://youtu.be/6ZA_4AtA4Cs?t=21m25s) then,” Jeremy said, more of a statement than a question.

“Yeah,” Michael and Ryan said simultaneously.

“ _Aw_ ,” Jack said, stretching out the word.

“Yeah, also, hey,” Michael said, “whoever’s editing this, you can just cut literally all of this out of the video.”

“Yeah, hey, editor?” Geoff added with a snicker. “Editor, cut all of that out, but please cut it into something separate, save it, and send it to me. I wanna be able to incorporate it into whatever speech I give at their wedding.”

“Shut up, Geoff,” Michael said, smile evident.

“The funny part is they think I’m kidding.”

Rolling his eyes, Ryan smiled and said, “All right, all right. It’s well past nighttime now in GTA. Are we ready to do this stunt or not?” As he spoke, his screen suddenly went black. “Wait, what just happened?”

“ _And_ Ryan just left the game,” Michael announced dryly.

“What’d you do?” Geoff demanded.

Ryan held up his hands, controller and all, innocently. “Nothing!”

“Nothing, huh?” Michael said. “Did you just idle out?”

“Oh…” Ryan hadn’t bothered moving his character the whole time they’d all been talking, and did indeed appear to have been kicked from the game for inactivity. “I might’ve done that.”

“So you’re not on your mark anymore, and no one else is either?” Gavin asked, tone on the edge of outrage.

“Nope!” Ryan said with a helpless chuckle. “Can someone send me an invite?”

A general groan went through the room.

“Goddamn it, Ryan!”

“All that work!” Jack exclaimed.

Michael snorted out a laugh. “You suck.”

“It’s not my fault! We were all talking.”

“And yet you’re the only one who idled out, Rye Bread.”

“ _You_ all suck. How about that?”

* * *

Later that day, when they’d finished recording the last video for the day, Michael and Ryan left together, planning on hanging out at Michael’s apartment for the evening.

As they walked to Ryan’s car, Michael was quietly thoughtful before he turned to glance up at Ryan. “So…” He hesitated. “So it doesn’t bother you that I give you shit all the time, does it?”

Ryan gave Michael a weird look, huffing out an amused breath. “Uh, no?”

“I’m serious. I just – back there I kind of realized that I never really asked if you were cool with it. Mostly because I never ask anyone, it’s just a thing – but now that we’re dating, maybe I should’ve asked?” Widening his eyes exaggeratedly, Michael shrugged. “I mean, I’ll be honest, this is part of who I am, so I assume – or rather, I’d hope – that you at least tolerate that part of me. But like, I do do stuff like call you names, which I don’t _have_ to do. Like dumbass and fuckface and idiot.”

Ryan nodded in mock sincerity, tapping a finger against his chin. “Yeah, you know, I’m glad you brought this up, because it actually really hurts my feelings when you specifically call me douche nozzle. If you could lay off of that one in public at least.”

“All right, I’m trying to be serious,” Michael snapped. 

Smiling, Ryan put his arm around Michael’s shoulders and pulled him closer as they walked through the parking lot. “Michael, I’ve known you for five years. I _know_ you. I more than _tolerate_ that part of you because I don’t mind a little verbal sparring to keep things interesting. It’s fun and it’s also funny. And I’m also fully aware by now that giving shit to others is how you show love.”

“Okay, well,” Michael hedged, leaning into Ryan’s side. “I mean, that’s not necessarily true with everyone I give shit to. But in your case, I _guess_ that’s true.” 

Ryan rolled his eyes lightly, knowing full well that people like Gavin and Lindsay only got so much teasing and scolding from Michael because they were his best friends he loved dearly.

“But you’d tell me if any of it ever bothered you, right?” Michael checked.

“Yes, of course,” Ryan assured him. “And none of it bothers me. And as long as it doesn’t bother you that I give you shit right back, then we’re good.” 

Michael scoffed, “Fuck no, not at all.”

“Well, there you go. We’re good then.” Ryan smushed Michael closer so he could press a brief kiss into his curls. “No need to worry. And now I’d keep holding you like this but it’s actually a little too hot out for this,” he said, withdrawing his arm.

“Yeah, thank God.” Michael playfully pushed Ryan away with a hand against his hip. “It’s like fucking 90 degrees out here. Save it for when we’re in AC.”

“I’m sweating, you’re all sweaty – it was a nice gesture, but that was a little gross.”

“ _You’re_ gross,” Michael said, his smirk self-aware.

Smirking back, Ryan lightly shoved at Michael’s shoulder. Michael was forced to stumble-walk farther away from Ryan, but they both immediately reclosed the gap between them.

“By the way,” Ryan said. “Did you notice that they didn’t seem all that surprised to hear we’re dating?”

“I did actually.”

“Well, you know, besides the fact that Jeremy probably saw me smack your ass this morning and could probably come to his own conclusions.”

“Right, sure. Yeah, but I did ask Gavin about it.”

“What’d he say?”

Michael ducked his head, abruptly seeming bashful. “Uh.” He chuckled. “He said that for a while back at the [636](https://youtu.be/O9kVDwHvAO4?t=1m45s) [office](https://youtu.be/xhsJ8usBsYQ?t=16m24s), they apparently had a ‘casual but cheeky’ betting pool for when I, specifically, would get the balls to try and ask you out. Apparently I was ‘obvious,’ but they couldn’t figure you out, and when nothing happened and we both kept dating other people they all gave up and forgot.”

“ _Aw_.” Ryan looked at him with an obnoxiously cheesy smile and bumped Michael’s shoulder. “All this time then?”

“No,” Michael said sulkily. “Shut up.”

“Ha, it all makes sense now. You were secretly always a fan of the ‘chubby days’.”

“All right, egomaniac. It has not been _all this time_.”

“Mm-hmm,” Ryan said knowingly. He pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “You know, it’s okay to admit you used to have a crush on me, Michael. You know that, right? We are dating now.”

“No shit. It wasn’t a _crush_ though, all right? They probably just saw me checking you out sometimes. You’ve always been hot. Sometimes I’d take a moment to appreciate the view – apparently not as subtly as I thought,” he remarked as they reached Ryan’s car. “But just to be clear,” he caught Ryan’s eyes and gave him a pointed look, “I haven’t been like _pining_ for you since you fucking showed up.”

“No pining. Got it.” Ryan winked, unlocking the car with the click of his key and walking to the driver’s side.

Michael rolled his eyes at Ryan’s tone and went to the passenger side.

Inside the car, Ryan started the engine and Michael immediately started messing with the AC settings.

Ryan watched Michael with a fond smile for a moment. “You know, on the subject of pining,” he continued, “if it helps at all, you may not have been on my radar yet at 636, but I’ve thought you were really hot since _[Lazer Team](http://erngilbert.tumblr.com/post/143185715703/michael-jones-as-zach-in-lazer-team)_  a couple years or so ago.”

Michael chuckled, eyes crinkling around the edges. “Oh yeah? That what finally got your attention?”

Ryan shrugged, grinning.

“I see how it is. I admit I’ve thought you were hot regardless of how much you’ve weighed or been toned up, and you say you really liked me after I finally went to the gym and put effort in.” Michael clicked his tongue in mock disappointment.

“ _Okay_. What do you want from me? You were dating a different guy the whole first, like, year and a half I knew you, ergo you were unavailable, ergo I never considered you that way for a long time. And then suddenly you were in a movie that played on the big screen where you’re wearing a skintight suit.” He shrugged again. “I’m only human. So, in hindsight, you have always been attractive to me. And obviously since the movie – I’ll say it – I’d been pining a bit.”

“Mm, well, of course,” Michael said, clearly pleased. “Good thing one of us finally got off their ass and made a move.”

Grinning, Ryan rolled his eyes, because of course Michael was referring to himself. He hummed a “Mm-hmm,” in agreement anyway, leaning across the gearshift to kiss him.

Michael met him halfway, smiling into the kiss before they separated. After a beat, he said, “I am glad we told them. I was getting kind of tired of hiding it from Gavin and Lindsay and Andy and everyone. Two months was long enough.”

“Yeah, I’m glad too. Two months _was_ long enough. And the best part is that now that we’ve told them, the rest of the company should know by, oh I don’t know, fucking Friday probably.”

“Oh, for sure. We work with a whole company of gossipy blabbermouths.”

“At least it makes it easy to get news out,” Ryan chuckled.

“Yeah, no shit. I just still can’t believe they all actually thought there was something wrong between us. Or that we might actually be pissed off at each other for longer than a couple hours.”

“I’m telling you, it’s when you’ve called me douche nozzle – it’s so harsh.”

“When the hell have I ever even called you that before?”

“I mean, clearly enough times for them to think we’re genuinely pissed off at each other.”

Michael rolled his eyes despite the wide, fond smile spreading across his face. “Oh my God, _shut up,_ you giant fucking nerd.”

“It’s true!”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. It's been 84 years since I actually finished and posted a fanfic. Hopefully it'll only be 83 years before I finish another one. I've finally had to reach the point today where I quit making changes, stop wringing my hands over it all, and just post it. 
> 
> Also, the links scattered throughout were just for a bit of extra fun. Aside from the one about nobody watching Full Play - that one I added so no one would think that was ME knocking Full Play. I used to love it when Michael still made it! 
> 
> Thanks for reading. <3


End file.
